The Truth About Rudolph et al

Am persuaded to save my last post for a shorty, so here's an early festive joke instead:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they have given birth in the spring.

Therefore, if we are to go by every available depiction of Santa's entourage, every one of them - from Rudolph to Blitzen - is a girl.

We should have known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Ten Stages of a Forgotten Cup of Tea

You decide to have a cup of tea, but later on you find...
1. You forgot to fill the kettle.
2. You filled the kettle, but forgot to switch it on.
3. You remembered to switch it on, but it was still unplugged from the last time.
4. You managed to boil the kettle (twice), but forgot to get the cup or tea bag out.
5. You reboiled the kettle (three times), remembered the cup, and a tea bag, but didn't get as far as actually adding any water.
6. You remembered to put the water in, but forgot to take the tea bag out.
7. You remembered to take the tea bag out, but forgot to put the milk in.
8. You remembered to put the milk in, but forgot to drink the tea.
9. You drank half a cup, but forgot the rest.
10. You find half a cup of cold tea in the microwave three days later...

I mostly flounder between nos 3 and 8. What about you?

Where is Everyone Going?

In an uncontrolled fit of benevolence, I agreed to collect the Reconstructed Man from Heathrow yesterday. I say uncontrolled, because his flight was due to land at 5.25am.

The alarm was set for four ten, and we were on the road by half past. All through the Sussex weald, I saw no more than half a dozen cars, but by the time we reached the M25 (5.30ish) there were hundreds of them.

I don't do mornings (the school run is very much my limit), but when I am out early, I'm amazed at the amount of traffic. Where is everyone going? Some, I discovered, were heading for the airport like me, but what about all the others? Do people go to work that early? What work to they do, to be on their way at that time of day?

Do you ever go out at 5am, and if so, where are you going?

FOR SALE: Loo Cistern (in two parts)

Ah ha! I have been challenged, by my Partner in Procrastination, Tom Foolery, to post the following pictures of this bog blog standard item.

And, TF, I'll have you know I went out into the cold to get this...






And appreciating that interested parties might want to see some features in close up:


From left to right: the flush mechanism, the handle (just look at the quality - they don't chrome things like that anymore),
and the broken edge - to illustrate ease of gluing (Araldite recommended).

Additional information: this cistern gave faultless service from November 1981, until October 2008, when it fractured, loudly, at 4am, gushing water all over the bathroom floor (while the valve, of course, began dutifully refilling at full pressure...).

Fortunately, I had returned from a ten-day holiday some full two days previously, and being a mother of small children, was instantly awake to the sound of Something Not Right in the Household. Thus, the bathroom carpet was saved (sadly), as was the windowsill of the room below (including its collection of dead flies, dust, and lego-models). Hurrah.

But, having flushed itself into the focus of my anti-hoarding obsession, the loo is now in want of a loving home. See TF's blog for full details ;-)

My Favourite Places to Write

Hey, folks, I've discovered a brand-new writing-blog, hosted by Kerry at Writing at the Window. She has a couple of interesting posts about writing accompanied by some rather cool music. She also has a 'favourite places to write' list, which, in the spirit of welcoming a newbie to blogland, I promptly nicked.

I realise that I have totally different criteria for writing, depending on the time of day, and how much time I have available.

Favourite Places to Write
1. Lounging on my bed. Big headphones on. iTunes on (although sometimes I forget, and just sit there with silent headphones on all evening). Beer beside me (preferably chocolate too). Kids in bed/Himself out. Tends to be for marathon evening sessions: 2hr+.
2. Lounging on an easy chair in the living room. Feet up. Tea/coffee. Packet of crisps (hoola-hoops/quavers/skips). Kids in bed/at school. Short afternoon sessions: 1hr max.
3. In the study. Cup of tea (Earl Grey/Lady Grey/Lapsang). Plate of nice ginger/oaty biscuits. Kids watching TV. Quick, sneaky looks in the morning, when I should be doing something else (like talking to husband): ~15mins.

In my dreams:
4. In a bookshop cafe. Large hot chocolate and huge slice of bakewell beside me. All day.
5. In my room-of-my-own in the loft. Stereo on. Phone unplugged. Tea. Chocolate. Children all at school (one day). All day.

What's your favourite combination of place/drink/music/snack for writing?

Arch Procrastination

For once, it just worked. My fingers flew over the track-pad (perhaps it was clean for a change), and my heart started pounding with anticipation. I knew I was finally going to crack it.

At last!

At last I got the highest score in Chasing Simon Bloody Cowell. Now will someone please take the sodding thing down so I can get on with some writing.

From e-tales

Letters to Hackney Council
Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and the milkman.
My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he's lethargic to it.
Mrs Brown only thinks she's ill but she's nothing but a hypodermic.
The man next door has a large erection in his garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

Mistranslations
Hotel lift, Paris: You are invited to leave your values at the front desk.
In a Leipzig lift: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

Book Meme

Nicked from Helen.

1. Hardcover or paperback, and why?
Hardback, as long as it's properly stitched (and not glued).

2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it…
'Dusty Bums' (from sitting on the floor reading - just felt I needed to explain that).

3. My favourite quote from a book (mention the title) is…
The first line of any Dick Francis novel.

4. The author (alive or deceased) I would love to have lunch with would be….
Robert Louis Stevenson.

5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except the SAS survival guide, it would be…
Chambers Dictionary (Sorry: NERD ALERT!).

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that…
Made books easier to read when you're lying on your side in bed.

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of…
My father's study.

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be…
Any romance where the hero is tall, dark and handsome (and rich).

9. The most overestimated book of all time is….
Anything by a celebrity ‘non’-writer (YES! Helen, I couldn't agree more!)

10. I hate it when a book…
Turns out (when I've finished it) to be the first in a series of five...

You're a Bloody Genius!

The level of education required to read this blog is:

(Supposedly)

Oh Dear...

You Should Be a Film Writer You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen! What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Of course, when they turn my novel into a film...

My Career as a Rock Star - Part Two

Further to my new-found ambition to be a rock star (see 4th March), I find
that I am not the only one. Shame. I thought I'd found a niche.

My Career as a Rock Star Starts Here

This is a great procrastination meme that I nicked from found on Karen's blog. All you have to do is:

1. Click on Wikipedia's Random Article page
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this Random Quote page
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. Click on Flickr's Last Seven Days page
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Here's mine:


I like this so much that I now plan to give up all forms of drudgery, and become a rock star.

The Pleasures of Research

I was looking up synonyms for "hangover", having felt that my He knew he'd be feeling like a [unpleasant object] in the morning was a bit lame. These are much better (although they put me off drinking for a good twenty seconds):

aftereffect, big head, crapulence, crown fire, delirium tremens, drunkenness, feebles, head, headache, morning after, shakes, shot, willies, blue devils, blue Johnnies, delirium alcoholicum, delirium ebriositatis, dementia a potu, heebie-jeebies, horrors, jimjams, mania, muppets*, pink elephants, pink spiders, screaming meemies, shakes, snakes in the boots, the DTs.

*courtesy of Womagwriter's sister-in-law.

Diet Pepsi Max Superbowl Ad

(This advert cost $5.4m - not to make, just to air... once - but it is funny!)

I've Never Been 40,123rd Before

I tried and tried and tried, but I couldn't beat Cally's 79wpm, or Lily's whopping 109wpm (I think she must have fifteen fingers, or something).

I tend to slouch in my chair, back straight, legs out-stretched, shoulders horribly curved. Sitting thus, I reached 61wpm. Right, I thought. I sat up, pushed my sleeves up, straightened my back (to the vertical rather than 45°) and poised myself like a concert pianist about to start Schubert's third. The result? 59.

I went back to slouching, and reached:








With no passes!
PS @ 2.15pm: Make that 76wpm!!! [slaps hand] Now get some writing done, or I'll send you to do the ironing.

This puts me in position 40,123, and made me wonder how fast no.1 can type. I found lots of videos of geeks typing really fast, but they were really boring. So, see this instead (33secs).

Rob the Balloon Guy

I didn't go blogging until quite late last night, and I was really tired (I have a horrible nasty cold and a cough that has kept me awake for the last two nights). This morning I found that most of my comments have not appeared. I conclude one (or more) of the following:
1. I left them on the wrong posts
2. I left them on the wrong blogs
3. I left them on the right posts/blogs, but rambled so much that the blog owners have deleted them.
4. I didn't leave them at all.

Oh, dear. Sorry folks.

The kids are now trashing the house (loudly), and I'm gazing wistfully at an unopened box of Christmas chocolates that I found under the sofa...

Meanwhile: this has gone some way to cheering me up.

A-Whole-Evening's-Worth-of-Procrastination Meme

Thanks for the tag, Sally!

Five Gentlemen I'd Like To Have Round for Tea
Sir Jimmy Young
Sir Bob Geldof
Tom Lehrer
Richard Branson
Trevor Baylis

Five Ladies I'd Like to Lunch With
Dame Maggie Smith
Dame Judi Dench
Zoe Wanamaker
Victoria Wood
Joanna Lumley

Four People I'd Like To Meet in Heaven (exc. family & friends)
Isaac Asimov
William Wallace
George III
Socrates
Dame Thora Hird

Four Material Things I Couldn't Live Without
My car (sorry, environment)
My camera (for taking lots of piccies of the kids)
My computer (and all its associated widgets)
My washing machine (for all the goo)

Four Things I COULD Live Without
My watch
The TV
The Jeremy Vine Show
The cat jumping on my head at five in the morning

Three Books I Would Save From a Burning Building
The OED (or Chambers, if you prefer)
Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, by Richard Bach
My Grandmother’s copy of Black Beauty

Three Books I Would Throw Into a Burning Building
Any childcare book by Miriam Stoppard
The London Orbital, by God Knows (I’ve thrown it already)
Hard Times, by Charles Dickens

Five Songs That Make Me Happy
Handel’s The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba
Mozart’s Prelude to The Marriage of Figaro
The Flanders & Swann version of Mozart’s Horn Concerto in E flat
Kenny Ball’s version of Mozart’s Rondo (3rd movement, Piano Sonata No 11 in A)
The Dukenfield Brothel, as sung by The Three Crows

Five Songs That Make Me Cry
Pachabel’s Canon in D
Promise Me, by Beverley Craven
Father to Son, by Cat Stevens
Nothing Compares 2U, by Sinéad O’Connor
The Fields of Athenry, folk song

Two Things I Wish I'd Invented
Wireless technology
The telescope

I tag: JJ, and Liz Fenwick